Tori & Dean: Innsane

This week saw the season premier of Tori & Dean: Inn Love, Oxygen's reality show that follows the lives of Tori Spelling and her husband Dean McDermott as they leave Hollywood to open a bed & breakfast in Fall Brook, CA. I know, you're already thinking, "WOW! That is awesome. I can't wait to watch!" This show is so bad, it's well, bad. Not Being Bobby Brown bad, more like Shear Genius bad. So rather than watch it yourself, I am here to watch and review for you.

Last season was all about Tori & Dean having to sell all of Tori's stuff (because Dean didn't have any to begin with) so they can afford to buy a B&B. We got to see them look for the right place, host a garage sale and eventually remodel and open the B&B. All is this happened while Tori was very pregnant. The season ended with baby Liam being born. This season begins with Tori and Dean returning to the B&B with Liam and the nanny, Patsy. Patsy is a large black woman with orange hair...dyed orange! How do I know, well I will tell you shortly.

Upon arriving at the B&B, Patsy says that she was supposed to be the nanny for 3 months, "But that was several months ago." SEVERAL MONTHS!!! They were away from their own business for several months! I believe in parents taking time off from work to be with their newborn child, but this is their income. It is not like they are getting paid family leave. Yes, they did have someone running the place for them, but that is not the same as the owners being there. If it had been running for a while, then I could understand this, but the B&B was only open a few weeks when they left it. You cannot just abandon a new business. The man running the B&B in their stead was going over all the bills with them that still have to be paid. Apparently they aren't making enough money to cover the costs of running the place. Dean even said, "I never considered the costs of running a B&B." Hello! Did you think you got gas, water, electric, etc for free? And of course all the yard work is done by people who just want the honor of cutting their grounds. Get real! These geniuses should not be doing this.

When talking about the nanny, Tori says that Patsy reminds her of her childhood nanny and so Patsy is there as much for her as for Liam. A grown woman needing a nanny?!? She is insane. Don't get me wrong, I love Tori. I love that she makes fun of herself. Her freak out in Trick should have earned her an Oscar. But come on lady, you are an adult now. You have a baby. Time to grow the fuck up!

I know you've been waiting to read how I know Patsy's hair is not natural orange. Wait no longer. In one scene we see Tori dying Patsy's hair. While applying the dye, Tori says that she once tried dying her pubes so that the carpet would match the drapes. Unfortunately something went wrong and they turned purple. Tori then asks Patsy's if she ever did that to which Patsy replies that she doesn't even have carpet any more. It is down to bare wood. Who talks to their baby's nanny about dying their pubes? Is it just me, or is that a little too much an overshare?

In the midst of the worries about money for the B&B, Tori gets an invitation to appear on a British talk show. This comes only a few days after returning to the B&B. Tori of course wants to go, but Dean for once is thinking and realizes this may not be the best time. Nevertheless, Tori guilts Dean into going by explaining that as a child she didn't get to travel much because her father, Aaron Spelling of Charlie's Angels, Beverly Hills 90210, Melrose Place, etc. fame, was afraid of flying. Umm, Tori, you had plenty of chances and your own money to travel anywhere you wanted when you were on 90210 and even after. Now is the time to be responsible. You don't have any money coming in. It would probably be better to work on the problems at the B&B. You know problems like the lack of money to keep it afloat, the mice. Those little things.

Now as far as their money issues go, Dean said they are now dipping into their own pockets to keep things running. Obviously that is not a good way to run a business. You want the business to make money. At least enough to support itself. Anything above that is great. I would think that is the first thing one learns in business school. If your business is not making enough to keep sustain itself, something needs to be fixed. You have to wonder what is wrong with them? They are getting FREE advertising by having this show. You would think people would be rushing to stay there. Maybe the problem is they bought a place in the middle of nowhere. There is nothing around for tourists. Remember rule 1 of real estate: location, location, location. Also if I were planning on opening a business, I would do a lot of research first. I would want to know expected costs, the failure rate, etc. I imagine B&B's a much like restaurants in that more go out of business annually than open. I am all for people exploring options, but sinking all your money into a venture more likely to fail than succeed is never a good idea.

Dean, grow some balls and tell your wife she needs to wake up and either make another movie or start figuring out what to do. Tori, I love you, but you have got to get a clue. You have responsibilities. You are a mother. What kind of role model do you want to be for your child?

I wish Tori would go back to doing So Notorious. Now that was an awesome show. But as she won't be doing that, I'll keep tabs on the B&B.