Friday, December 21, 2007

A Reality That Scares Me

There are 3 kinds of reality shows. High end like Project Runway, middle like Survivor and low end like Being Bobby Brown. Well, I was recently turned onto one of the lowest of the low, VH1's I Love New York 2. Not only is this show pure trash, IT IS THE SECOND time they've done it.

This show is a take off of shows like The Bachelor. New York, whose real name is Tiffy Pollard, is trying to find her ideal man. New York was a Flavor of Love girl to give you some idea of the quality of his show. I caught onto this show when there were only 2 episodes left, but that was enough. New York is totally ghetto. Huge fake boobies that are spilling out of her dress, extensions, nails and no command of the English language. She is the black version of trailer trash.

New York gets advice from her mother, Sister Patterson. I have no clue where that name came from, because she is definitely not a nun. If someone had told me she was was born a man (before I knew she was New York's mother), I would have believed it. Better still, a man who used to be a Cher impersonator.

By the time I learned of this show, New York had narrowed down her field of suitors to 3. At the end of the episode, she got rid one of the only two decent men she had left, a Harvard educated lawyer. Instead, she chose to keep Buddha, a man who she had eliminated once but then brought back. This guy is a total player and is playing her like a violin. The two of them could reenact Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolff. She throws him out and then as soon as he leaves, chases after him. He is totally doing the "act like a self involved dick who doesn't like her" routine. And she is falling for it. Only thing is, for him it is no act. She will scream, "I hate you!" and then run after him not to leave her. They are like Ike and Tina. Even her mother tells her not to keep him around.

Her other remaining suitor is Tailor Made (as in tailor made for her). He is a total spineless dork. He buys her dresses and jewelery to stay in her favor. He is the exact opposite of Buddha. He would do anything New York tells him to. And he has insanely shiny skin.

On one of her dates with the men, she goes to Parrot Jungle. In her confessional speech she say, "We arrived at the Parrot Jungle and I immediately get nervous. I'm like, 'oh my goodness!'. I knew there was gonna be parrots there." No shit, the place is called Parrot Jungle. What was your first clue that there would be parrots there? And just when you think it can't get worse, she speaks again, "I'm afraid of parrots cuz they don't know how to speak english diction." Oh New York, Queen of Irony. Using that "logic" everyone should be truly terrified of her.

However frightening that was, my favorite moment of the series (OK, I am only going on 2 episodes here) was when Sister Patterson and has a little heart-to-heart chat with Tailor Made. She is trying to help him win, not necessarily because she thinks he is great, but because Buddha is pure trouble. She tells him to close his eyes and then she slaps him across the face!!! HARD! And not just one slap, but the forehand and the backhand. It was one of those moments like on L.A. Law (if you have never heard of this show, you are too young) when Rosalyn Shays proposed to Leland McKenzie and then fell down the elevator shaft. You're stunned and thinking, "did I just see that?" And then when the reality of what just happened sinks in a second later you burst out with a hearty laugh while thinking, "holy crap!" Here, watch it for yourself.

This takes reality TV to a such a low level that even I am shocked. I won't reveal who she picked at the end. But it really doesn't matter because they won't stay together. This is a reality dating show after all. Other than Ryan and Trista, I don't know of any other reality couples that have lasted.

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